Customer Relations, Part II

Definition of Terms


Teller - That person in the front of the bank behind the glass with the big smile who takes your money from you and tells you that he will do something safe with it.

Platform Staff - The PB's, or Personal Bankers. The people that you come to when you want someone to scream at who isn't allowed to defend themselves.


I will start this post by stating that this (like most of the other things contained in this blog) is completely true.
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One of my dear tellers was pointing out an interesting fact to me the other day. The tellers have one major advantage over the platform staff - customer-facing time. I would guess that the average transaction time for a teller is somewhere between 30 and 60 seconds per customer except for an involved issue, like writing a cashiers check, or finding that one teller who has new $2 bills. The average time for a PB is closer to five minutes - that's a lot more time to fend off the waves of crazy coming from the cat lady sitting in front of you.

Fine, I accept the fact that if I'm going to work in a customer service environment, I'll have to learn to deal with certain things. However, this will not prevent me from sending out a plea to the masses:

1) If you're coming to my office, come presentable.

2) Just the facts, ma'am.

I've learned my lesson. Please don't mind me if I stare at your hand for a second before I shake it, but honestly I don't know where it, and you, have been. If your hand looks like you just got in a tangle with a viper, the best you'll get from me is a good asian-style bow. And I hope you don't mind the smell of alcohol; I'm sanitizing my hands when I sit down. In addition, please don't tell me about how you didn't have a chance to shower yet this morning. And if you come in smelling like who-did-it-and-why, I'm not going to say nice things about you to my co-workers. You've been duly warned.

Now, by the time I sit down in my office with a customer, I (usually) already know if they are crazy or not. I've been practicing my timing so that I can try to avoid the crazies, but it's inevitable that you will get one or two in a day. With these people, you have to work hard to keep them focused on the task at hand. If you do not exercise extreme diligence, you might find yourself in these situations.


Customer - "I want to open up a trust account."

Singingbard - "It would be my pleasure to assist you with this. (Looks around) Are all the trustees present?"

Customer - "One of the them is not able to be present."

Singingbard - "I'm sorry, it won't be possible to open this without all of the trustees being present."

Customer - "No, you don't understand, she can't make it. The lawyer said ... (etc.)"

Singingbard - "Regardless of the legality of the issue, ma'am, it is bank policy not to open this without all parties being present."

Customer - "Look, my parents are dead. It was a murder-suicide. My sister is not taking it well."

Singingbard - "....(silence)"

Damn, that was awkward. And yes, that really did happen. It was almost as awkward as that time I was sitting in the office with an ample-chested older black women (from the islands, I would guess) who was the nanny of a small white child. She was holding the child, who was flailing wildly with glee and caught a handful of chest a few times. She proclaimed that he "loves them black titties" just like his daddy. Luckily, I've perfected the art of turning a bursting-out-loud laugh into a well-disguised cough until I was able to leave my office in disbelief.

I think they need to come out with a aerosol that will repel crazy people. Oh wait - that already exists. It's called pepperspray. I think it may turn out to be a worthwhile investment.