Customer Relations, Part II

Definition of Terms


Teller - That person in the front of the bank behind the glass with the big smile who takes your money from you and tells you that he will do something safe with it.

Platform Staff - The PB's, or Personal Bankers. The people that you come to when you want someone to scream at who isn't allowed to defend themselves.


I will start this post by stating that this (like most of the other things contained in this blog) is completely true.
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One of my dear tellers was pointing out an interesting fact to me the other day. The tellers have one major advantage over the platform staff - customer-facing time. I would guess that the average transaction time for a teller is somewhere between 30 and 60 seconds per customer except for an involved issue, like writing a cashiers check, or finding that one teller who has new $2 bills. The average time for a PB is closer to five minutes - that's a lot more time to fend off the waves of crazy coming from the cat lady sitting in front of you.

Fine, I accept the fact that if I'm going to work in a customer service environment, I'll have to learn to deal with certain things. However, this will not prevent me from sending out a plea to the masses:

1) If you're coming to my office, come presentable.

2) Just the facts, ma'am.

I've learned my lesson. Please don't mind me if I stare at your hand for a second before I shake it, but honestly I don't know where it, and you, have been. If your hand looks like you just got in a tangle with a viper, the best you'll get from me is a good asian-style bow. And I hope you don't mind the smell of alcohol; I'm sanitizing my hands when I sit down. In addition, please don't tell me about how you didn't have a chance to shower yet this morning. And if you come in smelling like who-did-it-and-why, I'm not going to say nice things about you to my co-workers. You've been duly warned.

Now, by the time I sit down in my office with a customer, I (usually) already know if they are crazy or not. I've been practicing my timing so that I can try to avoid the crazies, but it's inevitable that you will get one or two in a day. With these people, you have to work hard to keep them focused on the task at hand. If you do not exercise extreme diligence, you might find yourself in these situations.


Customer - "I want to open up a trust account."

Singingbard - "It would be my pleasure to assist you with this. (Looks around) Are all the trustees present?"

Customer - "One of the them is not able to be present."

Singingbard - "I'm sorry, it won't be possible to open this without all of the trustees being present."

Customer - "No, you don't understand, she can't make it. The lawyer said ... (etc.)"

Singingbard - "Regardless of the legality of the issue, ma'am, it is bank policy not to open this without all parties being present."

Customer - "Look, my parents are dead. It was a murder-suicide. My sister is not taking it well."

Singingbard - "....(silence)"

Damn, that was awkward. And yes, that really did happen. It was almost as awkward as that time I was sitting in the office with an ample-chested older black women (from the islands, I would guess) who was the nanny of a small white child. She was holding the child, who was flailing wildly with glee and caught a handful of chest a few times. She proclaimed that he "loves them black titties" just like his daddy. Luckily, I've perfected the art of turning a bursting-out-loud laugh into a well-disguised cough until I was able to leave my office in disbelief.

I think they need to come out with a aerosol that will repel crazy people. Oh wait - that already exists. It's called pepperspray. I think it may turn out to be a worthwhile investment.

Um.... TMI?

One of my tellers allowed me to post this story.

One of my people skills that I use to the fullest at the bank is my ability to put people at ease in my office. I talk like you talk. I lean in my chair like you lean in your chair. I (pretend to) like the things that you like. So when a young twenty-something guy sits in my office and blabs on about how our teller line is hot, I (most likely) won't respond negatively or positively, but I might put on a sly smile and nod slowly. Apparently, some of my customers feel like this gives them license to actually go to the teller line and express said emotions. This has been a particular problem with one of my tellers, who has had 3 or 4 of my customers come up and tell her how beautiful she is, and asked her out, or in the case of one gentleman....well - he began with much of the same, but he continued paddling right up that creek by stating, he "only f***s black girls" and that they should go out some time. I imagine that the conversation must have gone something like this:


Customer - "I'd like to make a deposit."

Teller - "Sure, I'd be happy to help you with that. Do you have a deposit slip ready?"

Customer - "Yes, it's right here."

Teller - "Excellent, let me process that for you."

Customer - "You know, you are a very beautiful girl."

Teller - (awkwardly) "Um... thanks?"

Customer - "And you should know that I only f**k black girls. We should go out sometime. Did you hand me my receipt?"

Teller - "........" (pushes silent alarm)

So folks, just remember that when talking to a teller, keep the conversation PG or you may find that the man in blue next to you may not just be the next customer in line.

Customer Relations

Here at the PGCO, we understand that many of you have no idea about the inner workings of a bank. Hell, before we worked here, we didn't know the difference between a "check" and an "overdraft fee" (although, after working here for over a year and a half, it turns out that they are often the same thing.) Thus, we deem it our civic duty to educate the masses with a series entitled, "The Mighty Bank: Why you should be scared witless." We believe that an appropriate first post should be about customer/banker relations. Therefore, without further ado....


Customer/Banker Relations


There's an unspoken list that exists, entitled the list of people you should not piss off for various reasons. This list includes important people such as the lady who cooks your food, or your primary care physician, or my personal favorite, the guy with the creepy twitch driving in the car next to you. Well, I present for consideration an addition to this list - your personal banker. Most people are under the impression that because we bankers have the priviledge of holding your money, you have the right to treat us how you deem fit. I would like to take a short moment to reanalyze the previous statement. WE are holding your money. Don't you think that, in such a compromising position, you should treat your banker with a modicum of respect?



In fact, it would probably be in your best interest to become rather friendly with your banker. She can turn your hours of wasted time and tears with the customer service line into a 10 minute painless operation. Not that you should be overly amicable with your banker either.



How much information is too much information?


We'll tell you in our next post.

Post Game Checkout....

...is what I do at the bank after customers have left the building. It's a tracker to see my sales results. I feel like it may be productive to post one here, but instead of the typical categories, like amount of checking accounts and credit cards, I thought of some more....interesting... and fun categories.


Number of DUMB customers:
DUMB customer stands for "Definitely an Utterly Moronic Banking" Customer. I'm not talking about your typical left-my-card-at-the-ATM, or walk-into-the-bank-without-ID, I'm talking about the "I saw my account was negative online, but I kept using my card because you guys kept letting the charges go through and I thought it was OK."

Number of times I lied to get a customer out of my office:
"I'm sorry, I can't refund your overdraft fees, but maybe if you call Customer Solutions, they may be able to do something for you. Yes, I'm sure my manager can't help you."

PS This is a favorite tactic for the Customer Service people to use to get people off of the phone also.

Number of times I went out of my way to help a customer because he/she was nice:
Self explanatory.

Number of times I went out of my way to help a customer because she was hot:
Also self explanatory. Happens less often than you'd think, mainly because a lot of hot girls are also snotty, and those cancel each other out.

Number of times I told a customer for one reason or another to go to a different bank:
These range from "Sorry, you can't cash a Citizen's Bank check here if you don't have an account" to "You're an asshole, and I hope you do take your $8205943 and get the hell out of my face."

Number of times a customer just walked into my office while I was with another customer:
I will also include a rudeness scale in this category.

Number of times I did something spiteful to a customer and didn't get caught:
Sometimes, you just gotta let it out. Keeping your money on hold for an extra long time is a favorite of mine.


If you have any other catergories you'd like to see, just let me know!